DATELINE: London, England

So Obama and Clinton are duking it out in Ohio and Texas as I type, McCain is now Officially The Republican Candidate, and we are back home in London; alas, alack. The show will go on - keep watching this space for more My Fellow Americans activity - and for now it’s time for the My Fellow Americans awards, drawn from 24 states over seven frenetic weeks. So without further ado, let the magic commence with the most coveted award of all…

Best Steps
*The Rocky steps (Museum of Art, Philadelphia)

Honourable Mentions
*The Lincoln steps (Lincoln Monument, Washington DC)
*The Untouchables steps (Union Station, Chicago)

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Best Americana
*Tumbleweed (Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, and Oregon, randomly)

Honourable Mention
*The lockers and drinking fountains in Winnacunnet High School. It was like being in a American high-school movie. In fact, Tim Robbins was there, but he’s 7ft tall and greying so his speech wasn’t quite as Breakfast Club as we’d hoped (New Hampshire)

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The And-This-Is-The-Home-Of-Capitalism? Award For A Ridiculous Or Uninspiring Store Name
*Dress Barn. Would you buy your dresses from a barn? And this is a successful chain store!

Honourable Mentions
*Linen ‘n’ things. Um, vague much? Linen ‘n’ what?
*Jiffylube. Oh do come on.

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The Gwyneth Paltrow Transatlantic Understanding Award for Maintaining the Grand Traditions of British Culture
*Bob Bratchenthurst, a Greyhound bus driver from Kansas, for the following conversation:

Bob: “I could really use one of those, what is it you guys call it, a ‘pint’?”
Dan and Tom: “That’s right, a ‘pint’.”
[Bob smiles and wags his finger]
Bob: “Ah you see, I keep up with my literature. I’ve seen Shrek 3.”

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Best Quote Of This Or Any Election In The History Of Democracy
*Mike Huckabee, being challenged on his lagging in the delegate count:

“I know people say that the math doesn’t work out. Folks, I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in those too.”

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The Going-Out-On-A-Limb Award For Taking A Controversial Position In A TV Debate
“I’m against illegal guns” – Hillary Clinton, Nevada Democratic Debate

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Best Bumper Sticker
*Vote or get run over! (Berkeley Campus, on the front of a badly-driven, speeding golf cart)

Honourable Mention
*Still voting Democrat? You’re stuck on stupid! (Louisiana)
*John Kerry ’04 (I can’t remember where I saw this but it made me laugh)

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The Onion Award For A Brilliantly Mundane Local News Headline:
*‘Senior Center Has Free Bus Service’ – The Deming Headlight (New Mexico)

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Best Road Sign
*We need to talk  -God (Oregon)

Honourable Mentions
*Normans Kill (upstate New York)
*Peace good war bad (California)
*World famous date shakes!
*South Fork Coyote Wash
*Prison facilities nearby, don’t pick up hitchhikers (all either Arizona or New Mexico)

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The Okay, I Concede Award For Proving That American Food Is Unequivocally Better Than British Food
*An unassuming highway-stop-off lunch, consisting of a melting, collapsing Reuben sandwich (pastrami, sauerkraut, melted cheese, amazing), served with a bowl of creamy, meaty, peppery clam chowder in a small, sunny town in California that will forever be known as Hill Valley, partly because of its similarity to Marty McFly’s home in Back To The Future, partly because we don’t remember the real name.

Honourable Mentions
*Perfectly cooked crepes in Houston, clam chowder in Pismo Beach, seafood gumbo in Mobile, Alabama, bagels and cream cheese everywhere, steak, eggs and hash browns for breakfast in Iowa City, an ice cream dessert in Boston that would have taken ten people to finish (really), the burgers pretty much everywhere, a pastrami on rye from Katz’s Deli in New York that melted like butter, superb, eye-poppingly substantial quantities of Tex-Mex food throughout the south-west, served with awesome Margeritas… man I’m hungry.

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The I-Can-Feel-My-Arteries-Trembling-Like-Leaves Award For Fatal Extravagance
*Monte Cristo Egg Rolls in Bennigans (Chicago). Here’s how the menu describes them:

“[a] delicious combination of turkey, ham, Swiss and American cheeses wrapped in a crispy shell and fried until golden. Dusted with powdered sugar and served with red raspberry preserves for dipping.”

So yeah, that’s sugary deep-fried ham and cheese with jam, basically. I ate four and felt quite unwell.

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The Aw-Bless-Him-For-Trying Award For Desperate Defence Of The Iraq War’s Legitimacy In The Face Of Overwhelming Evidence To The Contrary
*Senator John Warner of Virginia, speaking at a John McCain event in Tallahassee, emphasised that the United States was not alone in its struggle in Iraq, as there were twelve countries currently fighting in the coalition. He didn’t say what they were, but it’s probably worth mentioning that the third most committed, in terms of personnel, after the US and UK, is Georgia. Looking at Wikipedia, the military giants El Salvador and Albania would make it into Sen. Warner’s Big Twelve as well.

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The If-Lawn-Signs-Were-Votes American Presidential Election Equivalency Award
*Obama narrowly sneaks it past Clinton and Edwards in the Democratic Lawn Sign Primary. Ron Paul routs everyone in the Republican field and then routs Obama in the general election, with lawn signs on every highway, back street, traffic bridge, and swamp-based tree (this happened!) in every state. If lawn signs were votes, Ron Paul would win 90% without breaking a sweat. Remember we’ve been through 24 different states since December 30, so we know what’s out there.